“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”

Anna Freud.

Depressó Day 2

• So today marks the second day of blogging about this sickness which plagues more people than I like to think about. Here comes the “Me” in You, Me, & the Truth. I am 24, and I have been depressed I think since I was about 10 or 11. Many things attribute to this between the terrible parents relationship and troubled marriage to being gay and bullied horrendously in school. I have lived a life, maybe not the same as you or to the same degree of hurt but I am sure we all hurt somewhat the same. At the age of 10 I learned that happiness is not free in this world, it is something you must commit and work towards because 90% of the time everyone will try to bring you down to their level by whatever means necessary. I look back and think about those times my parents were fist fighting while I held my head in shock in the basement, or when my dad was ripping me apart for just existing but I don’t look back to the situation I remember the feel of doom. Everyday was a fight between school and home. I would cry almost every day unbeknownst to everyone around me because I thought if I had a smile on my face it would all go away, but to no avail it only worsened as I aged. So I sunk into this deep depression because no where felt safe… and I am still looking for that comfort, but I have learned no matter where I search I won’t find it; I am simply searching in the wrong places. Your happiness and my happiness doesn’t come from others or the clothes we wear or the compliments received because it comes from when you wake up are you happy to call your own name and tell yourself, “Damn I am glad I woke up looking the way I do and being who I am.” People with depression are among some of the strongest in my head because you don’t sit around doing nothing because you want to, you sit around doing nothing because your fighting your mind and heart and trying to contradict feelings of worthlessness at all times. No fight should every be fought alone and yet we do every single day, something as easy as brushing your teeth or taking a shower feels like a million miles away, but it doesn’t have to be. See you are you worst enemy and your best fighter, it just depends which you will choose to dress up as that day. Some days feel amazing and some days feel like the end is nigh. So I ask you as to do a couple activities today as listed.
• 1) Go look in the mirror, tell yourself, “I love you.”
• 2) Write a list of changes you want to make, do it on your phone or paper or just record your voice whatever is easiest for you so you don’t have to fight wanting to do it in your head.
• 3) Throw that list away, all those things you wrote are a you that you wanna change so toss away those insecurities and get back in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re good enough and you’ve always been good enough.
• 4) Go step outside and look at the sky and plant your feet barefoot into the grass, embrace this beautiful world around you for 10 seconds at the least, and just breath long breaths.
• 5) Final assignment go do your favorite thing today, it doesn’t matter if its sitting on the toilet or taking a long shower or even going to see some friends, treat yourself because if you did steps 1-4 you deserve a reward for taking a step into your own happiness.

Overall, whatever you have gone through shouldn’t shape you negatively in life because you are a survivor, no matter what anybody says they cannot take away how you feel about yourself. Even if you have to say everyone is wrong its because they are, if you feel misused or mistreated stop letting others control your feelings because YOU deserve better than that. I love you whoever you are, and I appreciate your life in this world even if you nobody else does.